"Breaking Free" in Latin

[Gregory H. Bontrager]

I've recently revamped my Latin-language adaptation of the song "Breaking Free" from Disney's High School Musical, and I'd like to get some opinions from all you Latinists out there. I'm especially interested in constructive criticism regarding grammar and idiom from experienced Latin-language educators. Would anything I've written sound weird to Roman or medieval ears?

Please keep in mind that these lyrics were designed to preserve the rhymes, meter, and melody of the original. Therefore, this is not an exact translation, and alot of paraphrasing was done. I did, however, try to remain as faithful as possible given those constraints. If you want, you can listen to the original song itself at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvkh29RKFRY

Thanks!

NOS LIBERAMUS

Volāmus,
Īmus.
Iam omnēs stēllās possumus adsequī.
Sī temptāmus
Sumus līberī

Mundus nōs sīc videndō
Vēritātem dē nōbīs numquam scit.
Et mūtārī nōlendō,
Is nōs disiungit.

Sed mī dat vīm tua fidēs.
Tēcum crēdō.

Nōs līberāmus.
Volāmus
Īmus.
Iam omnēs stēllās possumus adsequī.
Sī temptāmus
Sumus līberī

Surgit sīcut aestum
Quī imperat ōceanō ipsī.
Nōs iungit ergō sēnsus
In nostrīs animīs.

Unda surgēns tollit nōs
Ut videant omnēs.

Nōs līberāmus.
Volāmus
Īmus.
Iam omnēs stēllās possumus adsequī.
Sī temptāmus
Sumus līberī

Īmus
Vērē
Ad locum in quō lātendum nōn est nōbīs.
Decet nōs
Nunc līberārī.

Vēritās
Est fidēs.
Etiam est
Plūs quam spēs.
Iunctī sīc id clārē vidēmus.

Ideō
Hoc est plūs
Quam ēgō
Et quam tū.
Sumus nunc līberī.

Longē
Īmus.
Iam omnēs stēllās possumus adsequī.
Sī temptāmus
Sumus līberī

Volāmus
Vērē
Ad locum in quō lātendum nōn est nōbīs.
Decet nōs
Līberārī.

Mundus nōs sīc videndō
Vēritātem numquam scit dē nōbīs.

[Laura Gibbs]

hi Gregory! what a fun project! over my morning coffee, I worked my way through the first stanza and have some notes (below) - let's see if some other folks join in! they might have some different ideas or they could tackle the other stanzas.

I'm trying to get packed for an out of town trip and pressed for time - when I get back I'll check in again here and see if some other folks have posted - if not, I'll take a stab at the other stanzas, too!

nos liberamus: out of context, it sounds like the verb is still looking for a direct object - maybe you could go with "En: Libertas" or something like that? or just "Sumus Liberi" which you use elsewhere in the lyrics

omnes stellas: this makes it sound more as if the omnes is modifying the subject of the verb; "stellas omnes" would make it more clearly "all the stars" and not "(we) all"

temptamus: conamur might be better...?

Mundus nōs sīc videndō: that makes it sound like when then world sees them now, as they are flying (sic) - another possibility might be "mundus more solito" (same number of syllables, but I don't know if it fits the rhythm - I looked up the words for the song, but did not listen to it)

Et mutari nolendo is nos disiungit: I did not understand where the "mutari" business came from - something closer to the original lyrics might be: "mundo nos separante sic disiuncti fimus" (same number of syllables again but I'm not sure if it will suit the rhythm)

:-)

[Laura Gibbs]

anybody out there...? are you checking back for comments, Gregory...? if so, let me know and I'll tackle another stanza or two. I wasn't sure if you were perhaps posting these materials to various Latin discussion groups here and there and perhaps are not checking back regularly for comments here. anyway, let me know - if the comments are useful, I'm glad to try to help! :-)

[Gregory H. Bontrager]

I did post this on one other forum, but nobody's responding. Your comments are helpful, so any further critique will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

[Laura Gibbs]

got it, Gregory - super! I'm not sure why people use the LatinTeach listserv all the time, instead of this discussion forum - for commenting on a song, the discussion forum is perfect... if only we could get more people to use the eclassics site that Andrew set up!

anyway, I'm back home after my little out of town trip and will take a look at some more of the song later this afternoon. I think it is very cool that you are doing this kind of thing; I saw you posted another set of lyrics, too. neat! :-)

[Laura Gibbs]

hi Gregory some more thoughts; I hope they are helpful -

aestum: the use of aestus to mean a tide is a very extended metaphor - the root meaning is raging, boiling, heat. fluctus or unda would be better - and in the nominative, since it is the subject of the verb surgit

imperat oceano ipsi - that's definitely different from the English. if you wanted the idea of the ocean not being able to control it, you could say: (unda) quam oceanus ipse non domat - same number of syllables, but I'm not sure if the rhythm suits you!

sensus - this is more an intellectual sense than an emotional feeling - maybe: affectio nos iungit (same number of syllables)

unda surgens - unda definitely seems better here than aestus :-)

Ad locum in quō lātendum nōn est nōbīs: this is again very different from the English; something closer might be: ad locum in quo mox vivemus optime (same number of syllables)

veritas est fides: I wasn't sure why you didn't use the same structure plus quam fides, plus quam spes, verum est - or something like that (as you did with plus quam ego, plus quam tu coming up). I didn't really understand veritas est fides, since the English was "more than hope, more than faith"...?

plus quam ego et quam tu - plus quam ego, plus quam tu might be better than using the "et" (Latin loves parallels)

Not a want, but a need: I didn't see this in the Latin, although perhaps you changed it since those monosyllables in English sure are hard to imitate in Latin. "vis ineluctabilis" might do (although it's 7 syllables - but you could syncopate it to vis ineluctab'lis)

[Gregory H. Bontrager]

Well, I'm back from my inadvertent break, and I'd like to share my latest draft with anyone who's interested. Laura, your input was insightful, and I did use most of your advice. There are a few suggestions which I ultimately decided it was perhaps best not to accommodate.

Et mūtārī nōlendō,
Is nōs disiungit.

You remarked that this was quite different from the original, and technically, it is. This is, however, one of those spots where I have to take some liberties to preserve the rhymes. I believe this line still conveys the same basic sentiment, though. The teenage singers are talking about how the high school social hierarchy (i.e. "world," metaphorically speaking) separates them because it's unwilling to change.

Ad locum in quō lātendum nōn est nōbīs.

I didn't change this because, again, the alternative you suggested wouldn't rhyme as well, and the meaning is still somewhat related to that of the original. The gerundive "latendum" is used in a figurative sense. The way I see it, to not "be all you can be" is to hide a part of oneself, so I'm using a poetic paraphrase here. Again, familiarity with the context is also what gave me the idea, since the singers are describing a place where they don't have to hide (i.e. explore their clique-disrupting interests in secret).

Sīcut undam surgit
Quae imperat ōceanō ipsī.

I retained the second half of this couplet (with a slight adjustment to the relative pronoun to agree in gender with "undam") for essentially the same reasons as stated above. I think the imagery might even be a little more powerful than the original since commanding the ocean itself goes a step beyond just being outside of the ocean's control.

Anyway, here's the new rendition:

Volāmus,
Īmus.
Iam stēllās omnēs possumus adsequī.
Sī cōnāmur
Sumus līberī

Mundus nōs sīc videndō
Vēritātem dē nōbīs numquam scit.
Et mūtārī nōlendō,
Is nōs disiungit.

Sed mī dat vīm tua fidēs.
Tēcum crēdō.

Fīmus līberī.
Volāmus
Īmus.
Iam stēllās omnēs possumus adsequī.
Sī cōnāmur
Sumus līberī

Sīcut undam surgit
Quae imperat ōceanō ipsī.
Haec affectiō nōs iungit
In nostrīs animīs.

Unda surgēns tollit nōs
Ut videant omnēs.

Fīmus līberī.
Volāmus
Īmus.
Iam stēllās omnēs possumus adsequī.
Sī cōnāmur
Sumus līberī

Īmus
Vērē
Ad locum in quō lātendum nōn est nōbīs.
Decet nōs
Nunc līberārī.


Vēritās
Et fidēs
Sunt plūs quam
Quīdem spēs.
Iunctī sīc id clārē vidēmus.

Ideō
Hoc est plūs
Quam ēgō
Et quam tū.
Sumus nunc līberī.

Longē
Īmus.
Iam stēllās omnēs possumus adsequī.
Sī cōnāmur
Sumus līberī

Volāmus
Vērē
Ad locum in quō lātendum nōn est nōbīs.
Decet nōs
Līberārī.

Mundus nōs sīc videndō
Vēritātem numquam scit dē nōbīs.

Thanks for all your input, and any further advice is welcome!